Lucky
by PastaWar19
Summary: Greed and Ling are stranded in a jungle. Fail attempts of finding their way out are filled in this humor-packed fic. Will they be lucky enough to actually live to see the end of it all? Find out. NO YAOI. RATED T FOR LANGUAGE.


Fullmetal Alchemist

Lucky

"Greed?"

"What do you want now, you silly-"

"I'm hungry."

"And I care why?"

"Hungry…"

"Could you shut up?"

"So hungry…"

"Shut up, you brat."

"So very, very hungry…"

"SHUT THE HELL U-"

"Well, aren't you?"

Greed paused. He sighed, looking around. Trees. Jungle fruits. Disgusting insects. Poisonous-looking flowers. Menacing mother birds guarding their egg nests. Wild things that most probably weren't even named by scientists yet. Nothing to eat.

Ling grinned, hearing the homunculus' thoughts. He taunted, "So you _are _hungry."

"How many times do I have to tell you to SHUT UP?"

Greed could practically hear Ling's frown. The prince inquired, "Shouldn't we look for food?"

"What do you think am I doing? Enjoying this moment of starvation?" The homunculus said furiously, "This place just doesn't have food!"

Ling couldn't help but feel annoyed at his companion's uselessness. "Oi-"

"What is it now, Ling?"

"Do you know why or how we ended up here?"

Greed was puzzled. "Uh, because we got lost from Wrath's house, right?"

"EXACTLY. I remember telling you not to take the path down the woods!"

Ling then felt a surge of anger from Greed penetrating his body. It was creepy _knowing_ and _feeling _what he was thinking and feeling. "OI, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU GOD-FORSAKEN PRINCE, YOU! ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT THIS SITUATION WE'RE IN WAS ENTIRELY _MY_ FAULT?"

"Um-"

"THAT WE'RE TRAPPED IN THIS WILD JUNGLE HELLHOLE BECAUSE OF _ME_?"

"Well-"

"THAT IT WAS _I_ WHO SUBJECTED US TO THIS UNBEARABLE HUNGER?"

"…uhh… yes…?"

Ling braced himself for more yelling, but instead, Greed had sighed, resigned to thinking that maybe it really was his fault they ended up there in that situation.

Both of them fell silent. Greed sat down under a large tree and rubbed his forehead, tired from mentally shouting at Ling. Suddenly, something hopped on his head.

It was a cricket. Greed gently took it from his head, put it on his hand, and started poking it with his thumb. Ling realized that a cricket had found its way to him and smiled.

"It's just a cricket, idiot, what's the excitement about?" the homunculus asked curiously.

Ling answered, "Well, back in Xing, we consider crickets as signs of luck. They're really lucky, and-"

"I don't believe in that stuff," Greed interrupted, watching as the little thing jumped on his shoulder.

"Well, I don't either, but it's good to hope that it could be true," Ling explained.

Greed grinned and stood up. "Let's test this cricket's luck, then, and try to find a way out of here."

* * *

_A few minutes later…_

"Is it just me, or are we going around in circles?"

Ling scowled. "Yes, I'm sure I felt the life energy of that bird over there earlier."

"What? No way! You've got to be kidding me," Greed complained loudly, "I mean; we've been walking for how long-"

"Ten minutes-"

"Exactly the point! You say we've been treading the same path for the last ten minutes?"

"Eleven already, I think-"

"Whatever, it makes no difference! Eleven!" Greed yelled.

"Calm down, Greed," Ling coaxed, ears hurting from all the mental shouting, "Let's analyze the situation carefully-"

"Analyze? What's there to analyze? We're lost and-"

"We're going to get out of here. Let's think positive. Maybe I was wrong, and that bird over there isn't the bird we saw a while ago. Maybe we haven't been going around in circles," Ling explained optimistically.

Greed snorted. "Really? Fine, let me check."

He walked to the bird, nestled comfortably on the branch. It stared at him, but made no movement.

"It's the same bird!"

Ling's ears vibrated from the abnormally loud mental scream. His scowl deepened. "Are you sure? You do know there's a difference between a chocolate brown bird, a muddy brown bird, and a… a… beige bird, right?"

"You don't make any sense, kid, it's the same bird."

"Are you sure? It could even be a shade of… um… chestnut, or… tan."

"Stop thinking positive; you're just clutching onto a false hope."

"No we haven't-"

"Ling Yao-"

"Greed, just-"

"The twelfth damned prince of the damned country of Xing-"

"Please, you don't have to look at this negatively, we could-"

"We have been walking-"

"Yes, with two legs, of course-"

"For _ten_, well, I don't know, _ELEVEN_ fucking minutes-"

"Estimate, Greed, it must be fifteen by now-"

"NO DIFFERENCE, YOU-"

"Don't yell, we still have-"

"TEN TO FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES, I DON'T CARE-"

"Greed, please-"

"And we have been going around-"

"Not really, you know-"

"Treading the same fucking path-"

"Be reasonable, Greed-"

"IT'S SO DAMN USELESS-"

"DON'T SHOUT!" Ling yelled, covering his ears, "Besides, we're not sure-"

"This bird, Ling, this GODDAMNED, FUCKED UP BIRD-"

"You really shouldn't say that, Greed-"

"It's the CRAPPY STUPID SAME one-"

"You really shouldn't curse birds like that-"

"WHY? WHAT'S IT GOING TO DO-"

The cricket on Greed's head jumped down onto the ground as the bird attacked him mercilessly. The beak, wings, and claws of the bird were the only things the homunculus felt and saw around him. The bird was furious. It flew around him, scratching him repeatedly.

Ling sighed. "I told you so. Apologize to it."

Greed frowned, using his Ultimate Shield to block the bird's attacks. "Shit! Hey, bird-san, I'm sorry."

"That won't do; it has to be heartfelt and sincere-"

"WHAT THE-"

"Greed."

"Fine! Hey, Mr. Bird-sama, I'm extremely sorry for the offending insult- Ling, it just flew away."

A loud splat was heard as bird poop landed on Greed's head. The cricket, sensing safety, jumped back onto the homunculus' shoulder. He was furious.

After that, Ling thought his ears would never be the same again.

Of course, Greed heard Ling think this and just got even angrier.

Unfortunately, there was more in store for them.

* * *

_A few minutes later…_

Ling sighed in relief and contentment, glad that Greed had finally calmed down after the small incident. He decided to take advantage of the homunculus' lowered guard and snoop around his memories and thoughts.

Possessions, hate for the other homunculi, wanting to get himself his own body, missing his old life with the chimeras, grateful for his Ultimate Shield, annoyed with Ling, very hungry… Ling chuckled. This was proving to be fun. Wait, what was that? A thought train, a new one.

"Oi, bastard, I got an idea."

"I think I already know what it is."

Greed paused. "What- Oh, right. You saw that. Wait- YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING THROUGH MY THOUGHTS AGAIN, DAMMIT-"

"I'm sorry; I was bored. No, come on, I won't do it again, "Ling said exasperatedly, "But I think your idea's great."

"YOU- Wait, you do?"

"Yes. We should hunt for wild animals. The only problem is, we haven't come across any."

"Nonsense. This is a jungle, Ling. Of course there are wild animals here."

"Alright then…"

Greed set off with this idea in his head.

Ling made no comment. Suddenly, he felt a source of life somewhere ahead of them. He alerted Greed.

"Maybe it's a person come to save us! Come to think of it, where are _your _bodyguards?"

"Shut up, Greed. Where are _your_ so-called possessions?"

"You shut up! You don't know how-"

Ling quickly changed the topic. "Now focus on finding this life form. I think it's an animal, since the energy source isn't that strong."

"Whatever," the homunculus replied. He jumped onto a branch and observed the surroundings. The cricket, which he had forgotten was on his shoulder, hopped down at his feet. He stared at it. "Where is it now, Ling?"

"Wait. Just wait," the prince said, frowning slightly, "Something's wrong here."

Greed mentally glared at Ling, if that was even possible. "What do you mean? What is it? What's-"

"BEHIND YOU!"

"What the-"

Greed ducked and turned. True enough, the animal _was _behind him. The wild boar stared at him fiercely, ready to pounce again. The homunculus grinned maniacally. "You're mine, you monster. I'm going to eat you."

Ling scowled. "Focus, Greed. It's going to attack you again. It's gathering its energy, now… Wait for it… Wait… GO!"

He quickly carbonized his arms with Ultimate Shield and ran towards the boar. Before they collided, he held out his arms and grabbed its horns, throwing it down roughly on the ground.

The wild boar was stronger than Greed thought. It got up again, angrier than before, and made a wild, strangling, loud sound that only a boar could make.

"What the hell was that?"

"I think it just called for its companions."

"It has back-up?"

Ling frowned, feeling more life forms closing in on them. Greed frowned as well, seeing wild boars trapping him. "Damn. All I want is food and all I get is a furious pack of wild bitches!"

He attacked, hitting a few boars. The others turned on him and jumped. The homunculus blocked most of them with his Ultimate Shield, but got a few scratches. More wild boars started coming.

"HEY LING, I KILLED ONE!"

Ling rolled his eyes. "Kill some more and run off, they're growing in number."

"Got it, bastard."

Greed killed another and another. They started getting more furious by each strike, and before they knew it, Greed had sprinted off, bringing three or four dead boars.

Ling couldn't help but feel happy about their triumph. He could almost taste the meat in his mouth again. "Now, all we have to do is cook it," he said, slightly happier.

"Um, cook it?"

"Yes, cook it. You don't suggest eating it raw, do you?"

"No, but… I don't know how to cook."

"What? Let me take over, then."

"You know how to cook?"

"I... no."

Greed kept quiet. He was tired of shouting, physically and mentally. They got food, but didn't know how to cook it. There was only one thing left to do.

"We're eating this stuff raw."

"No!" Ling protested indignantly, horrified by the fact that he was going to eat a raw wild animal. "At least heat it with fire or something!"

"You stupid gourmet bastard…"

"This is still my body, Greed. I get to decide what we eat."

"WHAT? I'M IN CONTROL, THEREFORE-"

"Greed."

"THEREFORE I DECIDE WHAT WE EAT-"

"Greed."

"YOU CAN'T ALWAYS ACT LIKE YOU'RE THE PRINCE-"

"Greed."

"BECAUSE I'M TAKING OVER, AND YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW ME-"

"Greed!"

"WHAT?"

"I think we just lost our food."

"What are you-" The homunculus turned to find the food gone. A bear bounded off towards the heart of the jungle, carrying the dead boars. Boy was it going to have a feast with Mama Bear and Baby Bear that night.

The cricket hopped up on Greed's shoulder again, as if it didn't even have a care in the world about boars and bears.

"You lost our food," Ling whispered so quietly, Greed almost didn't hear, "We lost our food. It's gone. We're going to starve."

Greed could hear the murderous tone in the Xingese prince's voice. "Come on, Ling, we can find more and-"

"Don't speak to me. Don't mind me. Don't acknowledge my existence. I hate you."

The homunculus sighed. The prince really did love his food, huh? "Whatever. You'll have to help me get out of this place sooner or later, you know. This is still your body-"

"If I can't more or less even eat, then I'm as good as dead."

"You don't make sense. You're delirious. We need to eat or else-"

"GREED!"

"What? What's- AAAUUUGGGGHHH!"

All the homunculus felt was excruciating pain in his left ankle and the oozing of blood from a newly-formed deep wound. A snake had bit him. Whether it was a king cobra, a boa constrictor, or a giant rattlesnake, he had no idea. It had bit him and slithered off happily. The cricket, which was also taken by surprise, was now on his head.

"DAMMIT, LING, YOU KNEW A SNAKE WAS BEHIND ME THE WHOLE TIME?"

"I'm sorry, I was mad at you, so…"

"SHIT, IT HURTS! I'M DYING AGAIN… Ouch… Fuck… Shit… Damn… You bastard…"

"Greed? Oh well. I guess you're going to heal, anyway…"

"OF COURSE I'M GOING TO HEAL, ASSHOLE! DAMN, IT FUCKING HURTS!"

Ling smirked. "Stop whining. It'll be over soon."

Greed felt the familiar sensation of death and allowed himself to succumb to unconsciousness for a while. He fell down on the ground in a kneeling position and clutched his head, which was aching terribly. The snake's poisonous venom really did spread quickly. If he was a normal human, he would most probably have died a few seconds earlier.

Annoyingly, the first thing he felt when he healed was Ling's delight for his misfortune.

"I never knew you were sadistic…" Greed muttered, standing up.

"Sadistic? Me? Heavens, no," Ling said sarcastically.

"Whatever. I give up on this hunting thing. It sucks."

"Well, what will we do?"

"I don't want to think about that right now. Stupid jungle hellhole…"

Ling sighed. Maybe they really were going to be stuck there forever.

* * *

_A few minutes later…_

"Oi, Ling."

"Yes?"

"Do you think it'll be alright to eat mushrooms?" Greed asked.

The prince paused. Eating jungle mushrooms wouldn't exactly be healthy, but what was the harm? There is such thing as an edible mushroom, right? Greed would just have to make sure. Not all mushrooms were poisonous, after all.

Ling grinned. "Sure thing. Besides, you can't die."

The homunculus instantly grabbed a bunch of mushrooms from a clump of fungi growing on a log. He devoured the little fungi hungrily.

"I wouldn't eat that all in one gulp if I were you. We're not even sure-"

"Tastes funky…"

He then gave a contented sigh. Afterwards, he turned green. Very green.

"Greed? Oh dear…"

"I'm going to be sick… This is bullshit…"

And he ran off to puke out to his heart's content. The cricket quickly hopped away from the disgusting vomit.

Ling rolled his eyes. He should've known better than to trust a careless, hungry homunculus.

"Damn. The taste is still in my tongue," Greed muttered hoarsely, pulling a disgusted face. "We don't even have water."

"This place should have water… Come to think of it, I believe we came across sounds of rushing water earlier," Ling said pensively.

"WHAT? THERE COULD BE A RIVER HERE WHERE I CAN-"

"What did I say about shouting?" the prince interrupted irritably.

Greed corrected, softening his voice, "There could be a river here where I can remove the terrible taste from my mouth!"

He ran off to find the river.

Eventually, they found it. It was of normal size and was actually quite clean. The homunculus immediately dunked his head in the water. The cricket, at this point was just on the ground.

"Oh yeah! This is the most refreshing feeling I've had in ages!" he exclaimed.

Ling smiled. "Oh? Well that's good. Now, let's continue on our search for food and the way out of here."

"Yeah. I feel the hunger coming back to me again… Shit."

Greed stood up and trudged back to the woods.

"I think it's going to rain."

Later, the sky cried out its tears down to the earth like there was no tomorrow.

Greed was not happy.

"ALL I WANTED WAS A RIVER, BUT I NEVER ASKED FOR A DOWNPOUR!"

"Yes, I know that, Greed. Calm down. At least it's a lot cooler."

"You don't know how it feels like to have been plunged into a rainstorm while-"

Ling smirked. "Then let me know how it feels like."

"Forget it. I'm staying in control."

Greed jumped down from the rock he was standing on and almost tripped down a muddy trail. He almost couldn't see anything out of the heavy rain rushing down everywhere.

Suddenly, he slipped.

And fell down what proved to be a hill.

And landed face first into a big pool of mud.

And broke his bones.

And felt the pain.

But healed, anyway.

"FUCK! WHO THE HELL PUTS A MOUNTAIN RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A JUNGLE?" he said, cursing loudly and rubbing his limbs as they painfully healed back into place.

Ling frowned. "That wasn't a mountain, Greed. That was a small hill that you unknowingly climbed. This place really is a rocky, wild jungle-"

"This sucks. I want to go-"

"Home, Greed?" Ling said spitefully, "I don't think you actually have a place to go home to."

The homunculus was taken aback. "Hey, I was going to say 'I want to go someplace else where I can live the fucking life' but-"

Ling sighed. "No, I'm sorry. I just want to get my life back, that's all."

"Same here. If I even have a life to live, that is…"

The two lapsed in a deep, gloomy silence.

* * *

_A few minutes later..._

Greed scowled. "We're wasting time. Let's go."

He walked forward and looked up at the sky. The sun was quickly setting and they had absolutely no place to sleep for that night.

Ling seemed to realize this too. "We might as well sleep under a tree or on a branch, and get attacked by a snake in the process," he muttered sardonically.

The homunculus glared at him mentally, if that was actually even possible. For some random reason, he hated it whenever Ling would talk negatively. He just wasn't used to the cheerful, enthusiastic, Xingese prince thinking of worst case scenarios.

"Fine then, Greed. Let's think positive."

Greed said nothing. He heard the obvious sarcasm in Ling's voice.

"Let's think that we found a big feast table of food fit for an army-"

The homunculus then decided to join in. "And we get to eat lots of stuff, and our stomach stops making these loud, disgusting sounds-"

"And then we find a place to sleep-"

"A bed with pillows and blankets-"

"In a pretty, little hut that can shelter us from rain-"

"With a proper bathroom, so we don't have to dig a hole in the ground anymore-"

"We can actually take a proper shower for once-"

"We'll be safe from these complicated wood paths that get us going around in circles, these maniacal birds, bitchy boars, venomous snakes, poisonous, disgusting mushrooms, the fucking weather that seems to have mood swings, that stupid mountain- fine, no, _hill_- that just wanted me to fall down and die, and all that mud that's now in my clothes- oh and this damn cricket that won't leave me alone."

The Xingese prince laughed. "Greed, little Lucky the Cricket didn't even do anything wrong!"

"LUCKY THE CRICKET? Are you crazy? It has a name now?" Greed yelled out in frustration. The cricket stayed on his shoulder.

"But Lucky likes you- and he's brought us luck."

"You call this _lucky_?"

Ling flinched. He hated it whenever Greed would mentally shout at him.

"Oh, come on. You have to admit that it is at least a bit lucky…" he reasoned out.

Greed was practically fuming smoke from his ears out of anger. The cricket was still perched on his shoulder, fast asleep. Surprisingly, it was enduring the waves of fury that were currently emanating from the seething homunculus.

"LUCKY? _THIS _IS _LUCKY_?" Greed yelled out loud, not able to contain his frustration.

Ling sighed. Greed calmed himself down, saying softly, "This is insane. We're going insane. We'll find a way out-"

"Yes, and get our lives back. You'll rule the world in your original body, and I'll become Emperor in mine."

"Great idea, we'll be the greatest pricks of our time-"

"I think I felt a person move over there. We might be saved!"

"Yeah, and that person's going to have food and all that wonderful crap for us-"

"He feels… different. And I think he has two companions."

"And I can find women-"

"The two feel… not human. Maybe they're chimeras."

"That isn't funny. Oh- and we find our bodyguards and possessions and-"

"The other one has weird life energy. I think I know him. I've felt his presence before!"

"All this money so we can buy everything we want-"

"No, no, we're done with our sarcasm story, Greed! I _really _feel a person's presence nearby!"

Greed frowned. "Way to go. Your sarcasm is through the roof, Ling. Now let's go." He walked off.

"GREED, GO BACK! I THINK IT'S-"

"Yeah, what?"

"Go forward. Keep on moving. I feel three people nearby, and I'm not joking."

The homunculus reluctantly followed, pushing away a few drooping tree branches and jumping over rocks and overturned logs. He gasped.

"YOU'RE RIGHT! I THINK I SAW A CHIMERA! AND- SHIT, IS THAT A CABIN?"

Ling exerted a huge bolt of effort to enter and sabotage Greed's lowered guard. He succeeded and managed to grab control of his body once again.

"HEY, LING! WAIT! DAMN YOU!" Greed shouted, back in Ling's mind.

The Xingese prince ignored the voice and went on forward to the cabin, which he recognized as the place they had stayed before being eaten by Gluttony. He heard voices- one was Edward's, and two others were unknown to him- but one was definitely the short Fullmetal Alchemist's!

As he entered the door, he felt an enormous surge of hunger penetrate him, and he collapsed to the ground as Edward gasped, finding Ling Yao passed out on the floor because of extreme hunger and exhaustion.

And that's how Greed and Ling ended up from Fuhrer King Bradley's house to Edward and the chimeras at the cabin.

Nobody noticed Lucky the cricket hopping off back to the forest.

* * *

_**Author's Note: **Finally, I've finished it~! I've had this idea ever since the episode wherein Edward came across Ling passed out at the doorway of the cabin. That was funny. I absolutely idolize GreedLing. Those two just make an awesome team whenever they work together. Anyway, this is based on a list I accidentally found on the internet, 'The Ten Worst Things that can Happen to you in a Forest/Jungle'. I didn't use all ten, though._

_Hope you enjoyed. If you did, please review or favorite or alert or anything. Whatever. Thanks!_

**PW19**_  
_


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